Recently, I wrote several posts where I was unusually vulnerable and while I got some lovely feedback, I also noticed a higher than usual level of unsubs. I find this interesting. After all, I’m a person, and while my business persona is someone who Gets Shit Done and Can Help You do the Same, the truth is that I have a real life with challenges just like everyone else. The one thing I never wanted do was to fake that or pretend it never happens. Because it does. It happens to me, despite all my magical and project planning skill — and it can happen to you. People get sick or injured. They die. It’s hard and emotional. And I’ve always been very suspicious of motivational speakers and life coaches and magicians for hire who pretend that’s not the case.
Now, on balance my life is pretty awesome and I’ve worked hard for that and been really fortunate. And honestly, I wouldn’t expect anyone to want to come to me for advice if my life was a flaming ball of chaos. But shit, still does, indeed continue to happen.
So what do you do when it – inevitably – happens to you? Here’s the process I strive for:
Step one, step back: first, above all else, try to step back from the thing and take a few deep breaths. Panic is almost never a good response to anything, so the more you can defuse that the better. When emotionally laden things go wrong, it’s really hard not to have a strong emotional response, but too much and panic sets in. And panic makes it impossible to think. Sometimes, you need to literally step back, leaving the situation that is causing all the stress for a bit. It’s surprising how much hard thinking and decision making people are called on to do in hospital waiting rooms and funeral homes and outside the rubble of their former homes, so a little distance can be a really good thing. This isn’t easy to do though, so if it doesn’t work, just do your best and continue to step two.
Step two, take care of yourself: remove yourself to someplace calm (as per step one), eat something, take a break, have a bath, drink a big glass of water, take a walk, stand barefoot in some grass. I recently read a quote that was like “if you hate everyone, eat; if you think everyone hates you, nap; if you hate yourself, shower.” * Be safe and still and nurture yourself and your physical systems. Prioritize it.
* Note, I couldn’t find a solid source for this little bit of meme wisdom. Let me know if you know who originated it.
Step three, feel what you are feeling: whatever you feel about a situation is what you feel about it. Fear, pain, sadness, grief, guilt. There are no wrong feelings except the ones that you don’t allow yourself to feel. This one is the hardest thing for me to do, but I discovered that if I start by caring for myself, it’s easier for me to express my emotions. And once I express them, I feel better. It’s kind of like lancing a boil, gross and painful, but then better afterward. Just remember that feeling them yourself doesn’t mean vomiting them all over everyone else. This is especially important for emotions like fear and anger.
Step four, assess your resources: who and what can you rely on now? This is especially important when some of your supports are the very things that you need support FOR. When my husband was injured, the hardest thing to come to terms with was that I couldn’t rely on him for support because he was the one who needed it. Start with your ancestors and then your benevolent spirit posse. Reach out to friends and contacts and family of both blood and choice. Ask for help. Seriously, just ask. When people say “if there’s anything I can do…” say “yeah actually, pray for me” or “cooking has been exhausting and impossible, if you have leftovers I’ll take them” or “I’m in a real bind here, do you have suggests for where I can go for help?”
Step five, step back (again): yes, this one is on the list twice. This one is more about perspective though. Once you start getting some things in place to get through the situation (whether practical or emotional) then you need to deliberately remind yourself that this too shall pass and that you aren’t alone. When I was going through major family stuff (which has honestly been for the past year) I kept trying to remind myself that we weren’t the first family dealing with death and dementia and cancer and, yes, even disfunction. Far from it. And getting a little perspective on that was really helpful.
Coming out of the other side of a hard time makes me feel like a time traveler. This time last year I was building chicken coops and garden beds and healing from chemo and writing the Cancer Grimoire. I was waking up every day feeling rested and happy and grateful for everything. I’m working to get back to that feeling again.
This isn’t exactly an easy process. It’s really hard to step back and feel sad and take care of yourself during really tough times. I certainly failed at these steps as much as I succeeded at them over the past year. But the times I did good were like good practice for me. Getting through a tough time builds resilience. It makes you more anti-fragile.
If I announce that there are hard times ahead, no one’s really going to be surprised, right? Everyone feels it. Of course I wish you and me and everyone all the best… all the good times. But when the shit does, inevitably, happen again, remember this process. It can help.
